Believe to Achieve

Worked again yesterday. Long shift...came in early, normal time if clocks not back an hour but made for an eternal 13 hour shift with no windows to outside world e cpt when briefly leaving to bring lunch tray back to nursery. So love the babies. Okay...today no running or any exercise. I must be burnt out. I do not feel like running often. Went to library. Got five books...maybe i will become addicted to reading now. I dont read much but found some interesting autobiographies ...running tides...about joan benoit and other random important people...one on thefounder of the susan g. Komen foundation. I am very interested at what drives people to do amazing things ....:-) i am at a tine in my life that all my decisions are carefully acted upon...most of time i am contemplative, not sure of my role in this world besides mother and wife. Do i have any other purpose ? Lots of deep thoughts.

Just not into running. Time off to think things through. May even get plantar release surgery and heel spur removal....same condition..unless fish oil works. Good time of the year to be down...not running. I may here and there but recouping mentally and physically from the fifth hardest year of my life. Had some really bad years...1982, 1985 to 1987 -18 months of depression, postpartum depression in 2003 and this last year. Oh the rest has been a roller coaster ride. Really am looking forward to a new year :-) first to get through the holidays...not easy even after all these years. So glad for the gospel in my life. :-)

6 am.  seriously first day out since time change.  nice to see the sun rise at 645am.  5.1 miles...the old faithful loop.  timed it with stop watch.  easy pace.  didn't run since last friday... ap 8:23.   migraine this afternoon on the entire right side of my body.  burning pain.  nothing I haven't lived through before.  but thinking i need to just persevere.  i am wondering why i am weakening?  why my soul is not more uplifted?  missing so much my family...the family i used to know.  but that is not good to ponder about.  it is better to not linger there in the blackness.  and it shouldn't be black...because this life is temporary for everyone.  a test.  so glad i have my children to care for.    JUST MOVE.  do something good in the world.  : D.

Ap 7:31. 5Am before work. Busy busy no sit down day at work. Ate breakfast at 1145. No lunch. Now just hanging with girls on bed watch ing byu womens soccer game.

ran a lonely in my own not so easy to listen to thoughts run...I really need some serotonin.  when i was young I didn't understand these feelings of loss of hope/despair and not happy with things that usually make me happy..now that I do...and looking more into ...I am in fact clinically depressed...due to chemical deficiency...most likely brought on by being consumed by stress...both positive and negative..mostly negative...injury being one but definitely not at top of list, work--it is so stressful....all day feeling like I can't keep up...but maybe if I felt better I would feel better at my job?  I ran my usual 5 mile  loop with stop watch...sat down at end and then realized I had too much time til I meet up with Amber's 5th grade class (they run the mile each week as a class and invite another class each week to join them.  It was my first time joining them).  She has an awesome spirited teacher, Mr Dickson.  I ran my first 7.8 miles at easy pace --8:10 (course tooled).  But man it just seems so long running these days by myself.  I can't even begin to tell you how bored of myself I am.  So I wear music to outcast as much as possible any thoughts that make my runs seem even more endless.  Not to mention that my PF or heel spur is trying to come back.  SO I think I need some antidepressants for a while.  I honestly think my serotonin (not to mention my already very low estrogen and progesterone levels) is at an all time low.  When I was 14 and 16 I went through two long journeys to the DARK side.  NOT good.  For any of you who have been there, NOT a place to go...but for me and for others I know...it is how our chemistry and past experiences make our brains to think.  In fact my experiences with MAJOR Depression disorder back then are BOOK worthy.  Just not sure how I could handle writing it.   Having shared this,, I guess my serotonin is not the lowest it has been...but it is spiraling down..I can run fast if I tell myself to...but I am just not happy doing so and my body hurts in places it shouldn't...so why I was sharing this with you is that I recall back in those years how hard it was (meaning painful) to walk.  My feet hurt , my legs hurt and eventually I couldn't get out of bed.  I hurt all over and I couldn't sleep...then I just laid in bed all day until I got the notion that my life didn't matter....now there is DARKNESS.  So not going there right now.   Right now I realize that since I am an adult going thru menopause many a hormone is askewed.  My brain is trying to revert back into the past and that is a place I escaped years ago...until lack of sleep and intense stress puts me into the situation again and I think....I don't matter.  As illogical as it may sound that is where depression sends people.  But do not worry, if anyone is reading this...I feel better than I did last week...but I am fragile...It comes in waves and consumes me at times...so I know I need something to help me.  For moments I tend to feel like I have been.  So tune in.  I am digging myself out.  GOOD NEWS ran with the 5th grade today and the GIRLS were so excited to see me.  ARE YOU GOING TO RUN WITH US EVERY FRIDAY?  MY MOM WOULD NEVER RUN with ME!! and all sorts of other comments.  My main point in going was to be with Amber and to see how the kids were all doing in their self esteem.  I think I am on to something.  Something I can continue with and help young children with.  Amber wanted to beat her time in the mile (7:31).  So my goal was to help her.  And we did--7:20!! and we even had a tag a long girl named Hallie stick right with us.  Amber was the first girl and Hallie one second later (with a bad cold even).  Usually amber is alone up front but this girl was motivated by seeing me there with amber...she wanted to be a part of it...she was obviously getting a competitive light on in her head.  After everyone finishes (some actually don't finish the 2.5 laps but only 1.5--I hope to some time get these kids to finish it all, some are quite over weight) the classes huddle with hands in the middle and say a couple of uplifting phrases along the lines of I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, I can run faster, I can be smarter and I can be a better person to everyone!!.  So cool.   So maybe I found my purpose...my window to the world of hope...to help others achieve hard things.  Many of the girls were saying "I hate running".  I told them how they can change how they feel about running my replacing a different thought about it before running.  They were really interested in what I had to say.

Met up with jen(neasts) in eagle mountain then drove together further on into eagle mountain to arianne's house with two beckys and met arianne and three other and a chocolate lab dog named penny . It was cold. Toes numb at first. Yuo true to the warning it is several degrees cooler in cedar valley. We ran a nice trail run quite steep for a while and we just jogged and chatted. Downhill was tricky footing so just as easy paced going down. We started after 7am. Ran 10.2 . I did not wear a watch or garmin. No need. Had the others to tell me at the end. Believe jen said ou ap was 9:37 :-)